Public Consumption

I was looking up a friend’s birthday on social media today and glanced at a post by an old friend who I haven’t had any contact with for at least ten years. There was a photo of her sitting at a table bravely smiling into the camera. The content of the post, which I didn’t read in full, was announcing that she had just gotten news of a diagnostic result identifying that she has breast cancer. The part that I glanced at, and immediately stopped reading, was describing in detail the conversation she had with the health professional who gave her the news.

Now, I’m sorry that she is going through a rough time. And yet, it felt intrusive to me for her to blatantly throw that type of deeply personal information up for public consumption. She’s not someone who would reach out to me personally to get support during this difficult time in her life - as we aren’t that close. In fact, we don’t even have mutual friends who would share this intimate information with me. It hit me quite deeply. The sadness I felt was not only for her current situation, it was also about her need to display this in such a public manner. I happen to know that she does have two wonderful, caring daughters. Hopefully, she will get what she needs from them and her current friends during this time of recovery.

Why are people using public media to reveal their deepest, personal life challenges? As I continue to examine my reaction to this post about my friend today, I realize that it isn’t the notification that disturbs me so much as the amount of detail that I felt unprepared to receive. If we had been talking to each other, there would have been natural pauses for me to absorb the information before the next level was shared. The notification on social media included more than I was ready for, at that moment, to receive. In a conversation, there are unconscious signals that indicate what depth the communication can be both given from, and received by.

The deterioration of quality communication due to our reliance on devices is startling. With all of the enforced separation during Covid, this problem has increased exponentially. Without realizing it, people have been trained to fear human contact and continue to feel safer behind a screen. It’s stunning to watch people on the streets, walking, bicycling or driving. A majority of people are looking down at a phone instead of looking at their surroundings.

This even occurs when I go for a walk by the river. Inevitably, someone is listening to music or a podcast, with or sometimes even, without earbuds. These people, I admit, are more likely to acknowledge my presence, though they don’t realize how disruptive their phone noise is within the sacred space of nature. Another example of inappropriate public consumption of information not solicited by the person it is imposed on.

In the past, I’ve enjoyed a certain amount of socializing via media. Mostly, it’s a fun way to see photos of people’s lives who I don’t get to see often. Especially those who are far away from me - either across the U.S. or in other countries. When I want to have a personal discussion, though, I don’t do it publicly on my page for just anyone to read.

This communication without boundaries happens face to face, too. When people are feeling overwhelmed and unheard, they will repeatedly tell the same story to anyone who will listen. I think we all know what that feels like. I remember when I was just out of college and I had my first professional employment, which happened to be in a mental health clinic. One day, one of the therapists said something to me about wearing my “heart on my sleeve”. It was the first time I’d heard this expression. She helped me to understand the value of establishing a type of relationship that would respect both people and their boundaries.

Another way to think of this problem is the idea of “oversharing” when there hasn’t been a request for personal information, and its simply spewed out without an actual opening. These days, this is called TMI (too much information). The seeming privacy of social media encourages this form of expression. When writing without speaking, it’s easy to simply spill it without filtering first. I run into this a lot when I write these posts and repeatedly rephrase while asking myself, “What am I trying to communicate? And why?”.

At it’s most extreme, are the verbal explosions that are clearly triggered by the person’s inner thoughts, visible in some of the people I see wandering around the streets in this area, as no one else is around to be participating. The flip side is the person who expresses anxiety or anger in conversation through constant questioning. It’s a different kind of explosive energy that crosses boundaries when conversing. Either one of these extremes is disrespectful, both to oneself and to the person caught in the breeze.

Ultimately, it’s important to sort through spontaneous or disruptive thoughts and find the clarity that resides underneath. Much of the time, it’s about listening to oneself to identify the underlying essence that wants to be expressed. Once that clarity emerges, then true communication can occur.

I find that communicating deep thoughts requires courage and availability. The first step is to move towards the person I want to be in touch with. It may be a request for a phone call or a meeting in person. There may be an internal hesitation to take this step. Or, perhaps, there’s a feeling of disinterest or hesitation on the part of the other person. These social cues are of utmost importance. They’re difficult to perceive through the inner chatter or fuzziness of emotion that may be lingering inside. That’s when it’s helpful to pause and reflect. What do I actually need right now? Perhaps it’s a different type of activity, or simply stepping toward the person you’re wanting to spend time with to see if they’re available.

Once a connection is made the relationship can unfold. Looking someone in the eye, or pausing to listen while thinking and absorbing recent comments, are an extremely important aspect of true relationship. Being a good listener is as much of a skill as being a clear speaker. Taking turns listening and speaking allows for trust to build. Both aspects are equally important in developing, and maintaining, valuable relationships.

With all of the shenanigans that can happen around personal decisions in relationships, it’s important to not get too caught up in thinking about it. In the end, I find, that it’s simply best to ask for what you want and see what happens. Often the result is the pleasant surprise of a warm welcome!